Finding Us, Chapter 3.5 : A Journey We Never Wanted To Travel

I'm not sure how to talk about this.  I don't know the right things to say.  I have so many jumbled up thoughts in my head so I hope that when this comes out it makes the tiniest bit of sense.  This is our truth, it's not easy to share, but it's our story.

This is more of a family update rather than a marriage update.  The husband and I are still taking steps to work on our marriage, we have just had to put some of that aside right now.  This is where I'm going to remind you that I am not sharing for your approval and your judgement is not welcome here.  Instead, I would ask for any support, positive thoughts and kind words that you have to offer.

When I met Jeff, he knew I had 2 boys from a previous marriage and he knew that I was a package deal.  He welcomed us into his world without hesitation.  When you become a blended family though, nothing is easy.  No one has the perfect answers and you basically are just trying to survive and do the very best you can do for everyone.  We have always done what we could to give the boys a happy life full of happy memories.  We worked hard to build a strong foundation and a safe place for them that was "theirs".  A little place in this world that they knew belonged to just them, no one else.  I don't know the point exactly where things went wrong, but unfortunately they went wrong.  

Our family foundation has been rocked to the core and as a Mom, I put the blame on myself for letting things get to this point.  These are MY boys.  MY blood.  My flesh.  My heart.  My breath.  And they aren't with us right now.  A decision was made that the boys stay with their "dad" for at least the next year.  365 days.  It was a decision that was not easy nor was it made with haste.  Our family has gone back and forth with this conversation umpteen times over the last few years.  The boys are not happy in our home right now, which I attribute partially to hormonal, teenage years and partially to their hatred of our rules and expectations.  I also feel that the boys have a "grass will be greener" attitude...and you know what?  I'm scared to death that they will be right.  How in the hell will I survive that?? 

What if this is really it and they choose not to come back?  Because they are old enough to choose.  I am a mom to four children and to not have all four of my children with me in my care, in my home, with my family, kills me.  How does a "mom" be a "mom" when she feels that she has failed her kids?  I feel like a part of ME is missing.  As chaotic as our home was at times, I had my kids with me, all of them.  But the truth is that we are all in desperate need of less chaos in our lives right now. Jeff and I, the girls, and even the boys, we need less chaos. 

And so this is where we are, a blended family that's a little bit broken right now.  My hope and my wish is that the boys will return to our home full-time after this school year.  My heart dreads hearing that they won't want to.  For now, we will become the every-other-weekend parents, and I hate that.  With all of me, I hate that so much.  I feel like I am turning in my mom-card and walking away from the game.  It feels like failure. 

I'm trying to be gentle with myself.  I'm trying to navigate through this unimaginable situation and still be an understanding and supportive wife, a fun and loving mom to the girls, and whatever it is I can be to the boys right now.  I am just trying to make it through...