A Letter To My Boys
I'm stuck in this state of constant wonder lately. After all, it has been seven months since you've been gone. I have only seen you three times in that seven months. So all I am left with is wonder.
I wonder if you are getting along and protecting each other, because that's what brothers should do. I wonder if you're getting enough sleep at night, eating the right foods, enjoying your school. I wonder if you're doing your homework. I wonder if you have crushes. I wonder who you eat lunch with and who you sit with on the bus. I wonder if you're making good choices. I wonder how you grow up without your mom.
I wonder what your new hobbies are and what you do for fun when you aren't at school. I wonder if you're playing too many video games or watching too much TV. I wonder if you're happy or scared or lonely. I wonder if you have friends and people to talk to. I wonder if you need hair cuts or need to go to the dentist. I wonder if your clothes and shoes still fit or if you need new ones.
I wonder what it's like to hug and kiss you good night, because honestly, I've forgotten. I wonder if you're brushing your teeth twice a day. I wonder how tall you are and if your voices have changed. I wonder if you are polite and kind to others. I wonder who you are becoming.
I wonder if you miss your sisters. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder how in the hell we got here and if we will ever get out of this mess. I wonder if I'm to blame. I wonder what I did and if I could have done better. I wonder if you're ever going to pick up the phone.
I wonder about you as adults. I wonder about you as husbands and fathers. I wonder about your futures.
I wonder if it's ever going to stop hurting, but I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that one.
I'm not telling you these things to make you feel bad, but to let you know that I will never stop being your mom and wondering. It's not possible. You are both a part of me, therefore it's physically impossible for me to stop loving you, caring about you, wondering about you.
I love you both times infinity,