A Letter To My Boys

A Mother thinks about her children day and night. Even when they are not with her, and will love them in a way they will never understand.

I'm stuck in this state of constant wonder lately.  After all, it has been seven months since you've been gone.  I have only seen you three times in that seven months.  So all I am left with is wonder.  

I wonder if you are getting along and protecting each other, because that's what brothers should do.  I wonder if you're getting enough sleep at night, eating the right foods, enjoying your school. I wonder if you're doing your homework.  I wonder if you have crushes.  I wonder who you eat lunch with and who you sit with on the bus.  I wonder if you're making good choices. I wonder how you grow up without your mom.

I wonder what your new hobbies are and what you do for fun when you aren't at school.  I wonder if you're playing too many video games or watching too much TV.  I wonder if you're happy or scared or lonely.  I wonder if you have friends and people to talk to.  I wonder if you need hair cuts or need to go to the dentist.  I wonder if your clothes and shoes still fit or if you need new ones.  

I wonder what it's like to hug and kiss you good night, because honestly, I've forgotten.  I wonder if you're brushing your teeth twice a day.  I wonder how tall you are and if your voices have changed.  I wonder if you are polite and kind to others.  I wonder who you are becoming. 

I wonder if you miss your sisters.  I wonder if you miss me.  I wonder how in the hell we got here and if we will ever get out of this mess.  I wonder if I'm to blame.  I wonder what I did and if I could have done better.  I wonder if you're ever going to pick up the phone.  

I wonder about you as adults.  I wonder about you as husbands and fathers.  I wonder about your futures.  

I wonder if it's ever going to stop hurting, but I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that one.

I'm not telling you these things to make you feel bad, but to let you know that I will never stop being your mom and wondering.  It's not possible.  You are both a part of me, therefore it's physically impossible for me to stop loving you, caring about you, wondering about you.  

I love you both times infinity,